JEFF PROBST: Previously, on Survivor 3.01: The Yukon: With food running low, the seven remaining Survivors began to consider taking desperate action. In an effort to prevent, or at least delay, a regrettable turn of events, we offered the Survivors some decent food, which they bid for in an auction. Today, Day 30, brings another Immunity Challenge.
[Tree Mail]:
After a month, you’re getting weak.
For one at least, the view is bleak.
Heed carefully an instructive tale,
Or else Immunity you will fail.
[Immunity Challenge]
JEFF PROBST: Survivors, welcome! First, I’ll need to take back the Immunity Necklace from Mickey. Our Challenge today will test your short-term memory skills, which are probably beginning to suffer due to the lack of protein in your diet. Hopefully, the food you ate yesterday will give you a boost.
TORGO: That was… YESTERDAY? Seems… like it was… DAYS… ago.
JEFF PROBST: Now, I’m going to tell you a little story about the Inuit warrior. Pay close attention, because when I’m done, you’ll need to run through a series of stages. At each stage is a question about the story, with two possible answers printed on signs. Beneath each sign is a snowball, and the snowball corresponding to the correct answer contains a ring. You can only smash one snowball, and if you choose the wrong one, you must return to that stage later. The first person to collect all seven rings wins Immunity.
RUBY: What’s in the snowballs again, sweetie?
JEFF PROBST: The one with the correct answer contains a ring. You need to collect a total of seven rings.
MICKEY: Collect rings. Yes. Where do we find these rings?
JEFF PROBST: OK, let’s get started. The Inuit warrior is born into a life of hardship. Living close to nature, the Inuit people have developed a great deal of folklore and tradition to guide them through life. A child born under the sign of Ursa Major is believed to be possessed of great strength, while a child born under the Northern Lights will be faced with much strife. After the child is born, the parents choose a name. For female children, the name should end in two vowels, and for male children, a name containing an equal number of vowels and consonants is considered lucky.
After the young Inuit warrior is weaned, he spends the next several years learning the way of the bow, the lance, and the kaliaak. At the age of 13, he goes on a quest. He treks deep into the tundra, in search of the rare white polar bear. He cannot return to his tribe until he completes the quest, during which he must survive on nothing more than roots and berries. If he eats fish or meat during the quest, his family will be shamed throughout eternity.
Upon completion of the quest, the young warrior takes his place in the tribe. After a few more years, he takes a wife chosen by the reading of caribou entrails. He then must father children until he and his wife have produced at least one son and one daughter.
When the warrior nears the end of his life, and is no longer able to throw the kaliaak, he goes out onto an ice floe, and is set adrift. If he has been an honorable warrior throughout his life, the other members of the tribe mark his passing by flying the seal skin at the Hogan of Elders at half-mast for one cycle of the moon.
All right, that completes the story. Let’s see how much you’ve learned. Survivors, ready? GO!
[The Survivors each run to a different stage, reading the questions and answers aloud due to their diminishing cognitive abilities.]
NEIL: “A child born under the Northern Lights is said to be strong, or cursed?” Strong? [Neil smashes the corresponding snowball] Dammit!
MICKEY: “The young warrior searches for what on his vision quest: white polar bear or white seal?” Polar bear. Yes!
JEFF PROBST: That’s one for Mickey.
GEORGIA: “The wife of a warrior is chosen by caribou entrails or by personal choice?” Entrails. All right!
JEFF PROBST: And one for Georgia.
ROGER: “A male name should consist of an equal number of vowels and consonants, or a greater number of vowels than consonants?” Ah don’t know.
TORGO: “A warrior’s … LIFE… is over… WHEN…”
EULABELLE: Come on, hurry up in there, mon!
TORGO: “… WHEN… he can no longer do… WHAT? Throw the… KALIAAK, or CHEW… the BLUBBER?” Kaliaak. Yes! The… MASTER… would be… PLEASED.
ROGER: “What happens if a warrior eats fish on his quest?” Shoot, Ah don’t know.
RUBY: “An honorable warrior receives what sign of respect upon his death, sealskin at half-mast, or his image carved into a totem pole?” Totem pole. Damn!
[The game continues on in this way for several hours, and eventually, Mickey wins Immunity.]
JEFF PROBST: Congratulations, Mickey, you have somehow managed to win Immunity. You can have this back. [Once again, Mickey proudly puts on the Immunity Necklace.] I’ll see everyone tonight at Tribal Council.
[Rowsdower Campsite]:
NEIL: I’m just saying that these pointy-headed liberals are the darlings of the media, which largely ignores the solid hard-working Joes who built this country. Take gun control, as an example. See, the liberals always say that guns kill people. Well, guess what? Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.
MICKEY: Be quiet, Neil. Stop.
NEIL: Now, I’ll admit, guns make it easy, but if I really wanted to kill someone, there’s lots of other ways. Knives, for example. Or poison, though that’s a pretty gutless way to do it, if you want my opinion.
RUBY: We really don’t, Sarge.
NEIL: The fact is, just about anything lying around the house could be used to kill someone, if you were properly motivated. A necktie could be used to strangle someone. So could a pair of pantyhose. I don’t see anyone doing anything to control the sale of pantyhose.
GEORGIA: OK, Neil, that’s enough.
NEIL: I’m just getting started. I’ve kept my mouth shut for 30 days, and I’m going to speak my piece. OK, moving down to the kitchen. We’ve already covered knives, but a meat tenderizer or a rolling pin could be used to bludgeon someone. An ice pick, at the base of the brain, leaves an entry wound so small it’s almost impossible to detect. What about the refrigerator? You used to be able to stuff someone inside one so that they’d suffocate, but the liberals pushed through legislation that changed the door design, so that they don’t open by way of a handle with a latch, impossible to open from inside. Still, you could push a refrigerator over on someone, crushing them, if you had to.
EULABELLE: Will you just hush up, already?
NEIL: Next, the living room. Again, you can topple an entertainment center onto your target, but that makes a lot of noise. Lots of cables and cords back there, any one of which could be used as a garrote. Here’s a thought: CD’s and DVD’s have become really popular in recent years. Did you know that you can throw one with enough force to take someone’s head off? Just try doing that with a videotape.
TORGO: Shut… UP, Neil.
NEIL: OK, take the garage. Man, where do you start? Sure, you can tie someone up, shut the garage door, and start the car. Problem is, a car needs oxygen to run, so you have to hope that the engine doesn’t die before your target does. Garden tools. A whole panoply of weapons there, any one of which can be used to kill a man. Shovels, rakes, hedge trimmers, all pretty obvious. But do you know that you can stuff enough grass seed into a man’s mouth so that he suffocates? Where are the grass-seed control nuts? Huh?
ROGER: Boy, yew is one crazy sumbitch, Ah tell yew what. Ah’m glad yew’re on our side, though.
[Tribal Council]
JEFF PROBST: Welcome once again to Tribal Council. Let’s bring in the Jury. [Melissa and Mr. B Natural appear.] When we’re finished here, one more person will join the Jury, and the remaining six of you will be one step closer to winning one million dollars. OK, let’s vote.
[The seven Survivors cast their votes, Torgo solemnly returning the bowl of votes to Jeff.]
JEFF PROBST: Once again I need to remind you that once the votes are tallied, the person voted out will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I’ll read the votes.
First vote: Neil.
Second vote: Eulabelle.
Third vote: Neil.
The fourth vote: Neil. That’s three for Neil, one for Eulabelle.
Fifth vote: Neil. That’s enough votes. Neil, come up here, and bring your torch.
[Neil strides up to the front of the council, and Jeff extinguishes his torch.]
JEFF PROBST: The Tribe has spoken. [Neil departs.] All right, it’s been a long day. The rest of you can head back to camp, and I’ll see you tomorrow.
[Confessional]
NEIL: OK, I may have said some things back there at camp that might have given the wrong impression. I completely overlooked the basement. For starters, you can push someone down the stairs. Now, the typical basement has a lot of tools that can be used as deadly weapons. Screwdrivers, hammers, saws, a power drill, a pipe wrench; any one of these, in the hands of an expert, can be used to kill someone. Got a beanbag chair down there? Kind of a stretch, but it could be used to suffocate your intended victim.
Let’s head out on the open road. A forty-ton truck is a lethal weapon, and a veteran driver knows how to use it. Truck on down the highway blazing a trail of diesel-powered destruction. I read that on the box from a videotape once.
Now, in the interest of public service, I’d like to remind everyone to always wear your seat belts, and don’t drink and drive. It slows your reflexes, and that’s the last thing you want when you’re on a mission. So drive safely. The life you take may be your own.
Day 31-32
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